Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Say No to Crack

Citizens of the Internet,

I write to you this morning to convey a very important message.

Last night, the all knowing Echidna who sits at the center of the Universe visited me in a dream.  As is his custom, he spoke to me in a foreign language.  Last night, for reasons I cannot explain, that language was Portuguese.  And though I do not speak Portuguese, I was able understand his meaning clearly.  Such is his magnificence.

He spoke but three words.  And those he did speak were enigmatic.  He said:

"Watch your ass."

Clearly, this was a sign of ominous things in my future.

And so this morning, while enjoying my daily ritual of Greek yogurt and an americano.  I was startled to come across this disturbing headline.

Man Denies Crack in Buttocks is His

I'm afraid, friends, that it has indeed come to this.  According to the man in the story, someone, somehow, placed crack in his crack without his knowledge

This can only be the work of terrorists.

We must arm ourselves against this coming scourge.  And after much consideration, I have devised a plan.

Gentlemen - I have but two words for you: Crack Spackle.  Yes, the time has come when we must all apply spackle to our posteriors.  These are indeed drastic measures, but this will surely thwart any attempted terrorist acts against us.  And, the less evolved and more hirsute among us will, I suspect, find that the periodic removal and reapplication of the spackle has a beneficial exfoliating effect and functions as a depilatory agent.

Ladies - I recognize that your delicacy and issues of personal hygiene may lead you to believe that crack spackle is not the choice for you.  And because I am always looking out for your best interest, I have devised an alternative solution: yoga pants.  For when a lady is wearing yoga pants, it is highly unlikely that someone could hide something between the skin of her buttocks without her knowledge.  In fact, there are some forward-thinking individuals who have dedicated an entire website to the study of this issue.  Of course, it would still be theoretically possible for some nefarious individual bent on world domination to hide something between the fully clothed buttocks of a lady wearing yoga pants.  But once again, I've got you covered.  In the interests of national security, I hereby volunteer my services to observe any lady walking in front of me while wearing yoga pants.  I will not stare.  I will not ogle.  I will simply glance in a manner sufficient to ensure that if something has been hidden - it will not go unobserved.

Two points are worth noting.  First, several of you may have heard a poem attributed to Ogden Nash and titled: Women in Pants.

You look so fine in greeting
Have you seen yourself retreating?

But if it is true that Mr. Nash wrote this poem - then it seems equally true that he never witnessed the bounteous vision that is the shapely female form in yoga pants. 

And second, many of you may feel that your own physique does not lend itself to compliance with this very important issue of national security.  To those of you who share this view, I offer the following important thought from the the prominent thinker Farrokh Bulsara.

"Fat Bottomed Girls, you make the rocking world go round."

Never have truer words been spoken.

And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, let us now go forward unafraid, spackled or clad in stretchy fabric.

I've got your back.