Friday, July 30, 2010

An Important Public Service Announcement

I’d like to direct this post to any single straight male non-knitter readers. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have any such readers. And so, I’ll ask my regular readers to please forward this on to anyone who fits that description. It is important. Don’t worry, I’ll wait to continue until you’ve done so.

Ok – there. That should be enough time.

Now gentlemen – I have a very serious message for you. You must learn to knit.

I know. This comes as a shock to many of you. For many of you have been conditioned to believe that doing anything remotely artistic or craft-related will somehow shrink your testes. I assure you, there is no scientific basis for this myth.

But more importantly, I’m here to tell you an important secret. And it is a secret – so I’d appreciate it if anyone who is not a single straight male non-knitter would look away. The secret is this:

Many women think male knitters are sexy.

That bears repeating, so I’ll repeat it: Many women think male knitters are sexy. Not every woman feels this way, of course. But many do. And consider for a brief moment the consequences of this important fact. Because many women lust after male knitters, and there aren’t many straight male knitters. . . a single straight male knitter could find himself in the enviable position of having to select from a bevy of beautiful admirers.

I know this. First, because I am adorable. Also, because yesterday I received one of the greatest emails ever written.

I won’t reprint the email in its entirety – it is far too personal. But suffice it to say that I received this message from a young woman in Southern California. For purposes of this posting, I’ll refer to her as “Sophia”. She wrote to offer up that she was single, enjoyed spinning fleece into yarn, and was looking for a straight male knitter who might enjoy her . . . talents.

Sophia discreetly asked whether I might be single, and suggested that she would not be adverse to a relationship with a gentleman friend in Washington state.

Yes. That’s right. Sophia suggested that the two of us consider entering into a romantic relationship based, in part, on our mutual love of yarn.

And there’s more. Sophia included a picture of herself in her email. Two photos in fact. Plus a photo of her lovely handspun yarn.

After a brief email exchange (during which – it should be noted – I honored fully and at the first opportunity the terms of my marriage contract and informed Sophia of my pre-existing and well-established pair-bonding with Mrs. TSMK), Sophia gave her blessing that I might describe her “proposal” in this journal. In fact, Sophia gave permission for me to use her photos as well.

A true gentleman would never be so bold as to take advantage of a lady’s position. And so I will not here post her photo. But allow me to describe her.

Sophia is slender – with tousled strawberry blond locks neatly framing her face and delicate cheekbones and jaw. Having a distinct pout to her lips and a fine Grecian nose, she resembles slightly some of the more exuberant representations of Aphrodite - although I assure you Sophia was (alas) fully clothed in her photo.

There is an innocence in her face, which is counterbalanced slightly in the photo by a partially exposed tattoo above her breast. Gentlemen, I submit to you that this woman is stunning.

But back to the original thread – she sent me her proposal without ever having seen or met me. All she knew of me was that I knit. And, in fact, I doubt very much that she read the blog – as she didn’t know I was married – and so she likely didn’t have a feel for my particular sense of humor or ahem eccentricities.

This, gentlemen, was lust based solely on fiber.  Lest you think I exaggerate, let me give you one additional fact.  Sophia said I was "delectable".

Just so there is no mistake - allow me to present the definition of the word:

- adjective - 1.  delightful; highly pleasing; enjoyable
                   2.  delicious

- noun -       3.  an especially appealing or appetizing food or dish.

Gentlemen, this goddess described me using a word typically only reserved for fine cuisine.  It doesn't get any better than that.

And so, I suggest to you that like the ability to cook risotto, play passably well at least one musical instrument (not including your armpit), change the oil in your car and explain with some measure of confidence the basic principles of geometry – knitting is a skill that every man must have.

And with that, gentlemen, I leave you to go about your business.  Thank you for listening, and adhering, to this important public service announcement.


Oh – and another thing. If anyone wants an introduction to an attractive single woman in Southern California – let me know. I’ll be happy to facilitate an exchange of email information.


  1. Dang, I thought I had commented but it's disappeared. Your new template is much easier to read with the lighter background and larger font. And even though I am not male, I must confess to reading this post!

  2. Nicola - I can't believe you read the post! Do you also remove the tags from mattresses?

  3. I'll have to pass your post onto my brothers. (shh...I read it too) Though, I taught the older one the knit stitch several years ago and he didn't really take to it. The younger one actually wanted me to teach him to knit to make his girlfriend at the time a scarf...I didn't get a chance to teach him right away and his interest seems to have waned as he didn't ask again.

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  5. I read it, sorry. I can't help myself. I need brothers who knit so badly, that I must read anything you post.

    I must caution any TSMK wannabe's that there are women who will only love you for your stash and your Harmony needles. They will quickly come to resent you if your skills are better than their's, which it will be because you think technically. Don't take it personally. Just pick up your knitting and get back on the horse. In the meantime, I, your 'sista knitta' will admire you from afar.

  6. I laughed so hard I'm printing a copy of this out for my husband!

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