Wednesday, June 30, 2010

On the Nature of Desire

Since man first stumbled out of caves and looked up at the night sky, he has spent much of his time in quiet contemplation, and occasionally in quite noisy contemplation, of certain irrefutable facts.

First, that there are certain things that a man wants to possess in abundance. Like comfortable briefs, natural yarn, excellent hats and odd musical instruments, one seems to never have quite enough of things in this category.

Second, that there are some things which although man thinks he might like to possess them in abundance, you really shouldn’t enjoy more than one at a time. Girlfriends and wives fall into this category, as do cigars and Cadbury Kreme-Eggs. You enjoy more than one of any of these in a single sitting, and you’re asking for trouble.

Third, that there are some things which although man thinks he might like to possess them, he should actually stay as far away as possible. Consider, for example, the image of Angelina Jolie, clad in a leather bikini and riding a fine Italian motorcycle with a knife strapped to her bare calf and a machine gun across her back. Now at first thought, this seems intriguing. She is, after all, stunningly beautiful. And provocatively dressed. And riding an object of lust in its own right. But is there any doubt that Ms. Jolie – clad in that fashion and armed to the teeth – is probably only moments away from unleashing some form of mayhem? If you had the opportunity to know her on that afternoon, is there any doubt that you would end up dead or horribly maimed? And is it really worth it? Well?  Ok, maybe that was a bad example.

Fourth, that there are some things that man simply shouldn’t possess or allow to exist. For example, at a local fairgrounds, they’re now serving deep-fried butter. Seriously. Think about that for a moment. Deep. Fried. Butter. Is there any doubt that this is a bad idea?

Most things are relatively easily placed within one of these four categories. Occasionally, you find something that overlaps two or more categories. Thankfully, one man crawled out of his cave in the late 1800s and came up with a way for the rest of us to keep track.

Recently, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this Venn Diagram of Desirability (“VDD”). Even with this helpful device, it is hard to keep track of exactly what goes where.

Suppose, for example, you had a bunch of wool in your house. Waiting to be spun into yarn. And you didn’t really know how to spin yarn that was worth a damn. And further suppose that you learned of another cache of wool. Partly cleaned. Partly in need of cleaning. All about to be thrown out. Where, exactly, would that fit on the VDD?

Without knowing precisely where to put it (and therefore whether to rescue the wool), I consulted the stars. Or, more properly, I consulted my guide in all such matters of conscience, His Holiness, the All-knowing Echidna Who Sits at the Center of the Universe. He has a name, but it was revealed to me in confidence and so I’m not at liberty to disclose.

In any event, His Holiness explained to me that free wool fits in the upper left quadrant of the VDD. And therefore I should claim it.

Now if His Holiness would only help me get better at spinning.


1 comment:

  1. Even if you only posted the labels, this would be the funniest thing I've read on a knitting blog in a LONG time. Somehow in my internet meanderings, I came across the website and newsletter for your LYS, which made me a little swoony. Cheers from one (but in my case, unemployed) business lawyer-knitter to another!