We walk unseen among you. We possess both “Y” chromosomes and knitting needles. We’re equally at home in a yarn shop and a gentleman’s club. When admiring exceptional décolletage, we may find ourselves distracted by the softness of a mohair sweater as it clings to the complex curves of your bust. If we ask to touch that delicate fabric, rest assured we do want to experience the fabric. But that probably isn’t all we want to touch. We are men. We love women. And we knit.
For her new owner. With 11 days to go in the giveaway, she's blocked and ready to travel.
At seventy inches long and 20 inches wide fully blocked, she isn't small. She's just under three skeins of Knit One Crochet Two Ty-Dy sock yarn - a nice 80/20 blend of merino wool and nylon. The color is "Blueberry Fields".
*Note - neither the bottle of Basil Hayden nor the ukulele will accompany the stole. Those will be staying a bit closer to home.
Get those entries in - there's still plenty of time.
On arriving home one night this week, I noticed that I could see my breath as I walked up our front steps. And just like that, I realized it was over. The summer that never really arrived is now throwing in the towel. It is officially fall several days before it is officially fall.
And so, I need to begin thinking about Christmas knitting.
But first, I need to say goodbye to some summer projects around the house. First among those is our vegetable garden. With the stunted summer, we really didn’t get much in the way of a harvest. The beans were sparse. The cucumbers never really took off.
The dog ate most of the strawberries before we were able to pick them. However, our potatoes were very impressive this year. And I feel that success is directly attributable to my P.E.N.I.S.
Perhaps I should explain.
Last year we also planted potatoes. The harvest was decent, but we planted them in a raised bed that was ultimately too shallow to be ideal. So this year, I got an idea. At the start of the season, I constructed the frame of a 4 foot by 8 foot bed out of scrap lumber. I then enclosed three sides with sheets of plywood, so that it was 4 feet deep around those three sides. Along the bottom of the front, I fastened an 8 foot long piece of 1x12, and I then filled in the interior with dirt. My Potato-Enhancing Nature Improvement System (P.E.N.I.S.) was born.
It is a thing of beauty. After the potatoes began to grow, we fastened another 1x12 to the front and filled again with dirt, increasing the depth of my P.E.N.I.S. by the additional 12 inches. It has space for an additional two 1x12 boards on the front, and an additional 24 inches of dirt. But if you were to see it, I think you’d agree that my P.E.N.I.S. in its current state, with a volume of 128 cubic feet, is quite impressive.
My P.E.N.I.S. was, and still is a sight to behold. It sits majestically in our back yard. And it has proved to be very fruitful. In short, my P.E.N.I.S. has become the envy of the neighborhood.
[NOTE: it should be acknowledged that Mrs. TSMK has suggested that my P.E.N.I.S. may be is an eyesore – a point I vigorously dispute]
And now, as we move into fall, it is time for me to say goodbye to my P.E.N.I.S. I will miss spending time with it on the weekends. But I know it will be there for me again next spring.
As I’ll be spending less time with my P.E.N.I.S. for the months ahead, I’ll have more time for knitting. That is excellent, as I have an extensive list of projects I want to complete. The Jeanie will be blocked this weekend – and mailed off to its new owner in the first week of October. There is still plenty of time to enter - however - please do.
That means my needles will be dedicated to Christmas knitting. Many potential recipients read this forum, so I won’t go into great detail as to projects at this time. But the projects on my list include some of the following (though there are some red herrings thrown into the list below to keep people off the track).
One or more sweaters
One or more pairs of socks
A hat in the shape of a giant squid attacking your head
When I was around 11, I lived for a brief time in a very small farming community in eastern Washington. Our nearest neighbors were an elderly couple who lived about a half-mile away. At the time, my brother and sister were both under the age of three, so we didn’t have a lot of interaction at that point.
It was a landscape of wheat fields and abandoned barns. Deserted farmhouses offered the potential for exploration, but the price of admission was spooky ambiance and a consistent fear of falling into a hidden abandoned well.
And then there was the darkness.
When we moved there, I was not afraid of the dark. Or rather, I wasn’t afraid of what I thought was the dark. But, as it turns out, I really hadn’t experienced dark until that year. Not true dark. The kind of dark you get from being 50 miles away from the nearest city of any size. The kind of dark you get when you can see a band of the milky way crossing the sky.
And it was that year that I saw him.
I had always thought perhaps he was there. There was always this feeling that something could hear my thoughts. Something knew. But then one night, it all became crystal clear. I remember my mom asked me to take out the trash. On the way back from this most mundane of errands, I looked up and saw him. To borrow a phrase, he was simply hovering there, in much the way that a brick wouldn’t. I saw his pointed snout and his beady eyes and I knew immediately.
He was watching me. He had singled me out. In an instant he communicated to me across time and space all that I needed to know. For you see, he has always been with us.
I began to research, and eventually stumbled across a few historical documents demonstrating his presence. For example, historians have long wondered about references in the written record to a mysterious presence at the battle of Agincourt in 1415. But take a look at the painting of this event, and I think you’ll agree that the truth is inescapable. He is there.
Even today, he makes appearances from time to time in the most unusual of places.
From that day forward, he has been with me at all times. Not always visible. In fact, he is only rarely visible to me now and again. But he is here.
And, thanks to Amy in Iowa, I can now carry a representation of him around with me at all times. I must say, he is a bit too lifelike as he seems to have too great a thirst for single-malt scotch.
But it isn’t all bad, for he’s helping me finish the Jeanie.
As for the giveaway, I’ve only received a handful of entries to date – none of which have correctly identified all three falsehoods. There are about two and a half weeks remaining to the deadline for entries. Plenty of time to consult The Echidna.
Well, actually the fact that something strange happened isn’t all that unusual. Strange things happen to me all the time. Like this one time when I was out on an airboat with my future father-in-law in the middle of a lake in north Florida at night, and our guide cut the power to the boat and turned off all the lights and started telling us about the UFOs he’d seen land in the lake. That was pretty strange.
Maybe I should start over.
Recently, I had something new happen. A time lord of the blogosphere slowed her TARDIS down long enough to toss me an award. Well, “award” may be overstating it. Its really more of a chain letter of sorts – from one blogger to another – offering up some encouragement and asking for you to post 7 random things about yourself and then pass the award along to another blogger.
Well I say stop the insanity. I will not pass this along to another blogger. I will break the chain and ride out the karmic tsunami that will undoubtedly ensue. This ends here.
That said, I’ve never been one to shy away from talking about myself. So I naturally loved the first part of the lovely award. And I offer you below 7 “facts” about myself. But, the clever among you will note that I actually list 10 items below. There’s the rub. Seven of these items are true. Three of them are false. All of them are tricky. In fact, some are so tricky that I doubt even Mrs. TSMK would guess correctly.
And with that in mind – I hereby announce the next giveaway event! Yes, you guessed it - you tell me which of the items below are true and which are false, and you may win a prize. What prize, you ask? My next finished object. Regular readers of this blog will have seen it, but not in its fully finished and blocked magnificence. In fact, even I haven't yet seen it in its fully finished and blocked magnificence. But I will within a week or two. And once I do there will be pictures posted.
It is a Jeanie – a reversible-cable dropped stitch stole. And like any reversible-cable dropped stitch stole should be, mine is done in some frighteningly garish colors. It is truly obnoxious. And it has been a blast making it. Even while camping.
Ah, but you say there may be multiple correct entries? Well, I’ve thought of that. There’s a tie-breaker below which will serve to handle that contingency.
Ten Things About TSMK:
I learned to drive in an old orange Volvo with bad second gear synchros.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is rocky road.
My children have all enjoyed lullabies that are based on songs about men in prison.
I can recite Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat from memory.
My favorite bourbon is Maker’s Mark.
I have a fondness for the smell of sleeping dogs’ feet.
Among other things, my iPod contains 12 different versions of a single song.
I once performed an exorcism.
I have a pair of shoes named “Larry”.
I have always secretly wanted to be President of the United States.
Tie-Breaker: Fill in the blank below. Should there be multiple correct entries based on the true/false portion above, I will use my sole discretion (guided, as always by the wisdom of The Echidna) to choose a winner.
“If I were abducted by aliens from another planet, and they proved to be all-knowledgeable about the Earth and everything on it since the dawn of human civilization, and I could ask them one question, I would ask __________________.”
Good luck – and may The Echidna be with you. All entries must be received through the TSMKBLOG “at” yahoo.com email address (also shown to your right) on or before September 30, 2010.
In December 1971, the rock band Deep Purple set about trying to record an album in Geneva, Switzerland. But before they were able to get started, disaster struck. Disaster in the form of a flare gun and a Frank Zappa concert.
In August 2010, the TSMK family set about trying to enjoy a vacation. But before we were even able to get started. Disaster struck. Fires erupted throughout the region - with one burning just 5 miles from our cabin.
Coincidence? Hard to say - although I'm confident that Zappa was nowhere nearby.
Ok. Perhaps disaster is overstating it a bit. Perhaps inconvenience is more apt. Nevertheless, there was indeed smoke on the water.
But no matter. For we were not trying to record Machine Head. We were simply looking to relax. Spend some time together and with family. And perhaps make a few new friends. Friends like this guy.
In all, our trip was wonderful. I spent much of it playing with the boys, fondling Molly and playing with fiber. In terms of the fiber, there was much knitting to do, and a fair amount of picking wool out on a back deck overlooking a creek.
But the high point of my daily fiber intake happened on our last full day - when I got a chance to try out my father's Majacraft Rose spinning wheel. I carded some of the wool I'd brought along on the trip - made five rolags, and set to work.
I'd never used a double-treadle wheel before - and was astonished at the difference it seemed to make in my spinning. There was just a lot more control, and I was able to draft down to a cobweb weight yarn with relative ease. Too cool. Of course, I now have a bit of a case of wheel lust - but that should pass in a week or two of working on my Ashford single-treadle Traveller. Right? Right?
In terms of knitting - well I made a lot of progress on a certain stole that will be featured prominently in a few future posts. And I made a hat.
Specifically, I made a hat during the trip out to Idaho. Mrs. TSMK was kind enough to drive, which allowed me time to concentrate on making a hat for my youngest nephew: GE. There's nothing fancy here, but I rather like the result. And, as it is made of machine washable yarn - perfect for a little guy. I call it GE's 300-Mile Hat.
The construction is very simple - and you can probably figure it out just from looking at the product. But here it is anyway in case it is helpful.
Cast on 112 stitches of main color yarn (MC) using a knitted cast on and dpns. Join (being careful not to twist).
Knit one row in stockinette stitch (SS).
Join contrasting color yarn (CC) and work in K1 (MC) P1 (CC) rib for two rows.
Work SS in MC for 3 rows.
Work in CC for 3 rows.
Repeat steps 4 and 5 for desired length before decreases - ending with 3 rows of MC.
Using CC, [K5, K2tog] to end of row. 96 stitches remain. Knit 2 more rows of CC in SS.
Repeat step 4.
Using CC, [K4, K2tog] to end of row. 80 stitches remain. Knit 2 more rows of CC in SS.
Repeat step 4.
Using CC, [K3, K2tog] to end of row. 64 stitches remain. Knit 2 more rows of CC in SS.
Repeat step 4.
Using CC, [K2, K2tog] to end of row. 48 stitches remain. Knit 2 more rows of CC in SS.
Repeat step 4.
Using CC, [K1, K2tog] to end of row. 32 stitches remain. Knit 2 more rows of CC in SS.
Repeat step 4.
Using CC, [K2tog] to end of row. 16 stitches remain. Knit 2 more rows of CC in SS.
Repeat step 4.
Using CC, [K2tog] to end of row. 8 stitches remain. Knit 2 more rows of CC in SS.
Repeat step 4.
Using CC, [K2tog] to end of row. 4 stitches remain. Knit 2 more rows of CC in SS.
Cut yarn (MC and CC), draw through live stitches and pull tight.
Weave in ends.
Give to Child.
I'd like to tell you the gauge that I used, but I didn't try for any specific gauge. Instead, I just tried to make a hat that I thought would fit GE in a few months, when he's 6-7 months old and the weather turns cold. So I wanted something with a circumference of about 17.5 inches and a fairly dense knit. I achieved that using Berroco Comfort DK and U.S. size 4 double-points. If you decide to make something similar - take the time to futz about and do a swatch or two. Your gauge could be (and probably is) different than mine.
Here in our strange little corner of the world, summer is already beginning to slip into fall. I know this because the hipsters riding their fixed gear bicycles along first avenue are starting to sport the occasional jaunty scarf.
And like most mammals I am not immune to these cycles of nature. Just this afternoon, while enjoying my ridiculously overpriced cup of french press coffee and pondering the existential predicament that is the life of a man who is a corporate finance lawyer and yet has several albums by Rage Against the Machine on his iPod, I found my thoughts drifting toward wool. Specifically, I found myself wishing I had more time to spin it into yarn, and more time to make things from it.
Clearly, a vacation was in order. Luckily, the entire TSMK family has had one planned for some time.
And so, after putting the children to bed this evening, Mrs. TSMK and I set about packing for an excursion. Well, actually we set about trying to decipher a passage of the owner's manual of Mrs. TSMK's car as it described the "simple" method of removing a middle-row seat. But, once feeling quite accomplished at the fact that two people with 6 years of post-graduate education between them were able to remove a single seat in a half-hour, we set about packing.
We're heading out tomorrow for a week in the mountains in Idaho, and I couldn't be more excited. In addition to visiting family, I'm bringing along an entire bag of fleece, along with my hand carders and a drop spindle. And of course quite a bit of knitting.
But my attention will not be solely focused on fiber, however. Mrs. TSMK has kindly allowed me permission to bring along my girlfriend on this excursion. Yes. You heard me right. I'm going on vacation with Mrs. TSMK and my girlfriend, Molly.
[Note: Molly is pictured at right - a Gold Tone White Ladye banjo. I highly recommend that you avoid suggesting a vacation with your spouse and your significant other unless your significant other is similarly described.]
What's more, we're bringing all of our children. Even the furry ones.
And so, I say farewell for a week.
But before I go, let me offer a few gratuitous pictures of yarn. Specifically, this is yarn that found its way to the post office today - being shipped off to my Red-headed Minion. She indicated she'd like some handspun. So I'm sending her a skein of my most recently spun stuff. But just in case she also wants to receive some decent stuff, I'm sending her a skein of handspun 50/50 cashmere and silk that I found at a local guild sale last year, along with two skeins of one of my favorite commercial yarns - GGH Kid Melange. Hopefully, she'll make something awesome with one or more of these, and then share the photos so that we can all appreciate her work.
And if you were anywhere near the northern end of Washington's Kitsap peninsula this past weekend, there's a very good chance you understood precisely what he meant.
Assuming, of course, he was referring to the sound of three wild and crazy guys traveling around, playing the banjo, knitting and generally carousing.
This past weekend was the inaugural voyage for the newest member of the TSMK family. Her name is Lillian, and she is a 1975 Volkswagen Campmobile. In a word, she is awesome.
In several words, she is also loud, slow, lurchy and smells vaguely of mildew. Or rather she did smell vaguely of mildew. Now, she smells more like a grimy 7 year old boy.
For our first excursion, Lillian carried me and the two older boys to the banks of the Hood Canal on Friday evening, where we were treated to a spectacular view of the Perseid meteor shower.
On Saturday, she brought us to a local state park, where we camped within 100 unobstructed yards of the shores of the Puget Sound. That evening, we hosted another family at our campsite. They are friends who know very well the sounds described by Mr. Clinton - for they have three boys of their own. A campfire was built. Hotdogs, bratwurst and hamburgers were cooked. Marshmallows were toasted. And a great time was had by all.
And after our friends had gone, and the two older guys and I settled in for another evening of Lillian's hospitality, I pulled out the knitting. It was fantastic, and I didn't think it could get any better. At least not without a scoop or two of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. But then morning arrived, with a brilliant sunrise shining through Lillian's windshield, and Mrs. TSMK arriving with steaming mugs of cocoa for the boys and coffee for me. We finished our drinks, and took a long walk on the beach.
After Mrs. TSMK left with the boys, I tidied up our campsite. Not wanting to wake the campers in the adjacent site, I took a few more minutes to knit, practice the banjo, and enjoy the scenery before firing up her mighty 1.8 liter air-cooled engine and heading for home.
I'm posting today from exile. An exile most terrible and of which I am undeserving.
I find myself in a landscape of isolation and despair. Without a living soul to provide comfort. Those of you without a strong constitution may wish to stop reading; my situation is pretty grim.
I've been banished from the living room. And from my comfortable chair.
It is true. And it all started so innocently enough. . .
Shortly after Mrs. TSMK and I were married, we met a very pleasant young woman - "Pandora". She was a classmate of Mrs. TSMK's in graduate school. We grew to be good friends, inviting Pandora to dinner at our place on many an evening - or sharing a table with her at Pandora's favorite restaurant.
This relationship continued for many years. When Pandora married, we were invited to her wedding. When we moved over to our current home, Pandora visited a few times. She and her husband decided they liked the area so much that they moved from Seattle to our island community across the Puget Sound.
Mrs. TSMK and I had children. So did Pandora and her husband. Everything was going swimmingly.
But then it happened. Pandora began selling Mary Kay cosmetics. And from that point forward, my life began the inexorable decline that has led to this moment. For tonight, Mrs. TSMK has fallen into the web. It is true - and I fear that she may be lost. She is hosting a Mary Kay party. And not just any Mary Kay party, but one specifically dedicated to foot care products.
How am I ever going to explain this to the children? Even as I write this, they're sleeping peacefully in their beds - innocently oblivious to the monstrous and all-consuming danger less than 50 feet away.
My only consolation is that I have my knitting. And my banjo. Specifically, I have a recently completed banjo - my attempts at refurbishing a derelict 50-60 year old instrument. I stripped off the old cracked finish and applied a light coat of polyurethane. The fretboard was cleaned. On went new hooks and tuners. The old busted head was replaced with a real skin head.
A new bridge and strings were installed. And now - it sings again. Although not particularly well. It wasn't a brilliantly made instrument to begin with - and so no amount of polishing this turd will make it a thing of visual or aural beauty. But it plays - and I suspect it will find a good life and much use in our VW camper.
I need to sign off now. The demonic laughter coming from the living room is getting stronger. I'm worried that they may be coming for me - trying to drag me into a Mordor of foot scrub and scented lotion.
Stay safe - and may the blessings of the Echidna be upon you.
Against the advice of many fellow overlords, I have decided to allow The RedHeaded Minion to speak directly to you - the inhabitants of the blogosphere. And so - without further interruption - I bring you this important message.
~TSMK
It hit me at 2:14 am (I do all my best thinking in the wee hours of the morning) that I should introduce myself and let you, dear readers, get to know me a little bit. (If you really don't care and would rather skip to the update on the website, skip down to "And On the Techno-Geek Front..."
As far as physical appearances, Leeloo has the same color hair as I do, and if it stays as hot here in Michigan as it has been, chances are good I may make an attempt at pulling off her style of clothing as well! I'm pretty short (about 5'2") and pretty average in bone structure and looks (though, Mr. RHM disagrees with me on that). I'm very proud of my red hair - as it falls half-way down my back.
I am a (former) techno-geek for a large company that most of you have never heard of. I say former, because although I still do consulting work for them from time-to-time, I had to leave the Company. Some of you may recall a recent lawsuit filed by a woman who claimed she was fired from a financial institution because she was simply too attractive. I shouldn't really go into specifics - but let me just say I know how she feels. My "official" title was "I.T. Coordinator" even though I had no one to 'coordinate'. My responsibilities were that of the Network/Systems Admin, Web designer and Help Desk all rolled into one.
After I left my old post, Mr. RHM and I went into business for ourselves (well, okay, he kept his "real" job/career and I dealt with all our business stuff) and our business is now at the point that I need other things to keep me busy during the day (hence, becoming TSMK's minion).
I knit, my daughter (sub-minion B) knits & crochets and my son (sub-minion C) is starting to knit. I'm not that skilled yet, but I know a good deal when I see one, so I jumped at the chance to enhance my stash and do some techinical work! I also train search dogs, and own/am the handler for 2 beautiful German Shepherd females.
I have a bit of a twisted sense of humor (probably from my work and training in Emergency Services) and I'm a bit of a Jill-Of-All-Trades...
And On the Techno-Geek Front...
Over the course of the next few weeks, I will be testing the new website. I want to make certain it is compatible in all web browsers, and still looks good/is easy to read/the new functions work well.
What this means for you:
It means that occasionaly when I am testing something the redirect that automatically takes you from www.thestraightmaleknitter.com to www.thestraightmaleknitter.blogspot.com will not work. Most of you (if not all of you) have historically accessed the site through blogspot anyway, so it will not affect most of you.
Please, feel free to send me your ideas/questions/suggestions/comments - I really do look forward to hearing from you.. My email is redheadedminion(at)yahoo(dot)com. (Yes, like TSMK has said, that REALLY is my email address).
In terms of specific changes, we will be incorporating a photo gallery for sure - and are evaluating a number of other interesting ideas as well - like a feature that allows you to link to a designer's website to order patterns/books/yarns, etc. from past (and future) projects that TSMK does.
Okay... I think that's it for now.. I look forward to becoming an integral part of the TSMK team :-)
Just over a year in to the blog, and it seems time to make a few changes.
No, this will not now become a forum for discussing Choreplay. That has been done.
However, I recently learned that the http://www.thestraightmaleknitter.com/ domain has become available. And like a 15 year old boy being offered a ride in a bus filled with scantily clad cheerleaders I jumped at the opportunity. So readers can now access the blog through either the blogger site or the stand-alone domain. At present, the domain will redirect readers to the blogger site. But soon - all that will change.
How, you ask? How can a banjo-playing neoluddite learn the skills necessary to develop a web presence? It is true, it seems on par with the World of Warcraft commercials featuring Mr. T.
Well, I'll tell you how.
I've acquired a minion.
And not just any minion. A redheaded minion. Those are the best type. Plus, my minion is female. Yes. You heard me right. I have a redheaded female minion. Truly, world domination cannot be far away.
I know this because Mrs. TSMK is also redheaded. Although she clearly is not my minion. I'm more of her minion, but that's a whole other blog post. Harnessing the power of the redhead can be a scary thing - like splitting the atom. This should be interesting.
I've never met my minion, nor even seen a photo of her in any significant detail. And for that reason I'm free to assume she bears a startling resemblance to Leeloo from The Fifth Element. At least, if Leeloo had enjoyed knitting and agreed to be compensated in yarn.
So Leeloo has agreed to assist in developing the domain site as an upgrade to this forum. When we're finished, we hope to have some additional functionality not available (or at least that I can't figure out how to manage) on the blogger site. For example, a gallery of finished objects.
But this is an interactive forum. And so we're soliciting input into what other additions/improvements you might like to see on the blog. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to email them to redheadedminion@yahoo.com. No, seriously. That's Leeloo's email address. Too cool.
So far, Leeloo has already exceeded my expectations, as she drags this neo-luddite kicking and screaming into the world of social media. For, starting last Friday, I'm told I now have a facebook fan page.
As a second item of housekeeping, I'm pleased to announce that I've mailed off four skeins of Cascade plus two skeins of my handspun to Amy in Iowa.
As the selected participant in the TSMKBO-YAG event, Amy indicated that she prefers purples, blues and greens. So, purples, blues and greens it is. Along with one skein of black/brown for construction of the Echidna. I can't wait.
I began to research, and eventually stumbled across a few historical documents demonstrating his presence. For example, historians have long wondered about references in the written record to a mysterious presence at the battle of Agincourt in 1415. But take a look at the painting of this event, and I think you’ll agree that the truth is inescapable. He is there. 
And with that in mind – I hereby announce the next giveaway event! Yes, you guessed it - you tell me which of the items below are true and which are false, and you may win a prize. What prize, you ask? My next finished object. Regular readers of this blog will have seen it, but not in its fully finished and blocked magnificence. In fact, even I haven't yet seen it in its fully finished and blocked magnificence. But I will within a week or two. And once I do there will be pictures posted. 
But my attention will not be solely focused on fiber, however. Mrs. TSMK has kindly allowed me permission to bring along my girlfriend on this excursion. Yes. You heard me right. I'm going on vacation with Mrs. TSMK and my girlfriend, Molly. 
