In one of my favorite movies, a young Marlon Brando is heard to say: "Daddy, I've got cider in my ear."
He says this after accepting a sucker bet. And though I haven't recently agreed to a wager, I'm starting to hear something swishing around near my tympanic membrane. Against my better judgment, I've agreed to do something rather foolish. Let me explain.
Several weeks back, I received an email from a fellow who works at the Seattle Art Museum. They had a new exhibit coming up, and were looking for local people to lead what they refer to as "Highly Opinionated Public Tours." The email asked me (TSMK, that is, not my day-to-day persona) to consider leading one of those tours.
To truly grasp the chaos that erupted in my frontal lobes, a bit of armchair psychology is probably in order.
As you may have noticed, I blog. And, in my opinion, unless blogging is conducted for purposes of communicating important messages or improving humanity, it is an exercise in narcissism. It is navel-gazing with a microscope and a megaphone. I've given this some thought, and believe the pantheon of egomaniacal behavior may be delineated as follows:
Now, suppose you're a blogger and a lawyer. And you've been ordained over the Internet and occasionally refer to yourself not only as "The Reverend" but as "The Right Reverend." And further suppose that you're the kind of person who will knit lace anywhere and everywhere, including in public. You're not exactly working in a leper colony, now are you?
Coming from this perspective, its hard to decline when you're asked to do something where you're going to be effectively on a stage. My first instinct was to jump at the chance.
But shortly after, self-doubt inserted its fingers into the nostrils of my subconscious and began to pull.
What if I agreed to participate, but I was really boring? What if I bombed? What if people noticed that I know essentially nothing about art? Worse yet, what if nobody bothered to attend? It is one thing to do something poorly, its another thing entirely to go unnoticed. Oscar Wilde was right - the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
The battle raged.
I mentioned the opportunity to a few close friends. Their response was unanimous; this was something I must do. But then, cracks began to form in their facade. One suggested I would likely go from piece to piece within the museum, making increasingly negative remarks until my tour culminated with a six-word indictment of one particular work: "That is a piece of [excrement]." Clearly, my friends were having a laugh at the suggestion that I might be considered highly opinionated. And they hadn't even seen the PEGB.
Still, the battle raged.
As my psyche cartwheeled from argument to argument, I started to notice something. I do, on obviously very rare occasions, find myself having thoughts which could be considered highly opinionated. Of course, this requires one to adopt tremendously strained definitions of both "highly" and "opinionated." But still, it is conceivable that one might make such an argument. Of course, if I met that person I would probably try to dissaude him or her from such an obviously flawed worldview, but then again that too might be considered the response of a highly opinionated person. There was no way out of this conundrum.
And so, I have agreed to do this. If you're in Seattle on March 11 and looking for something to do in the evening, please give some thought to stopping by SAM and taking in a tour of the new Nick Cave exhibition. It looks really interesting - and even involves crocheted doilies incorporated into clothing. If you're there at 8:30, perhaps we'll meet. If you're patient and I'm extremely lucky, I might even think of something clever to say. I just hope I can form an opinion.
~TSMK
We walk unseen among you. We possess both “Y” chromosomes and knitting needles. We’re equally at home in a yarn shop and a gentleman’s club. When admiring exceptional décolletage, we may find ourselves distracted by the softness of a mohair sweater as it clings to the complex curves of your bust. If we ask to touch that delicate fabric, rest assured we do want to experience the fabric. But that probably isn’t all we want to touch. We are men. We love women. And we knit.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
What will it be?
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE - The giveaway is now complete. I will announce the winner shortly. ~TSMK
I haven't given anything away in a while - and the urge has returned. But the trouble is - I don't know what I want to give away. So... I'm going to let the winner decide. Yes. That's right. I hereby announce the start of the TSMK-What-Will-It-Be-Giveaway (TSMK-WWIBG)!
Here's the deal: the winner will get up to 500 yards from my stash. I'm drawing the line at qiviut or cashmere, but anything else is up for grabs. And if you win, you can choose whether you want me to send you the yarn or knit you something you select. Could be a pair of socks. Could be a pair of mittens or a nice lace scarf. The choice is yours. My world is your oyster.
Here is how you win. In 14 days of Safety, I took you along on a ride accompanied by music from my Charles the Fat Coronation playlists. You tell me all 10 songs that played during that drive, and you win. Entries should be sent to tsmkblog@yahoo.com. The first entry to correctly identify all 10 songs will win.
Simple, right? Have at it!
~TSMK
I haven't given anything away in a while - and the urge has returned. But the trouble is - I don't know what I want to give away. So... I'm going to let the winner decide. Yes. That's right. I hereby announce the start of the TSMK-What-Will-It-Be-Giveaway (TSMK-WWIBG)!
Here's the deal: the winner will get up to 500 yards from my stash. I'm drawing the line at qiviut or cashmere, but anything else is up for grabs. And if you win, you can choose whether you want me to send you the yarn or knit you something you select. Could be a pair of socks. Could be a pair of mittens or a nice lace scarf. The choice is yours. My world is your oyster.
Here is how you win. In 14 days of Safety, I took you along on a ride accompanied by music from my Charles the Fat Coronation playlists. You tell me all 10 songs that played during that drive, and you win. Entries should be sent to tsmkblog@yahoo.com. The first entry to correctly identify all 10 songs will win.
Simple, right? Have at it!
~TSMK
Labels:
Charles the Fat playlist,
giveaway,
stash,
tsmk-wwibg
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
14 Days of Safety
Heraclitus supposedly said something that one can never step into the same river twice.
Bob Dylan made sure we knew that you don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows.
Both were in my mind this week, as the whole TSMK clan schlepped across the US to spend a few days in the land of my youth. Not quite a land of milk and honey - more one of sweet tea and pecan logs.
Most of my family is no longer there. I have extended relations in the area, but most I probably couldn't pick out of a crowd. The older ones I was close to have all passed away. The younger ones have moved away. But Mrs. TSMK's folks still live in the area. And so we make something of a regular pilgrimage to see her mom and dad.
Her mom lives on the St. John's river. You can't quite see the paper mill from her house, but Bob was right; weathermen need not apply.
We drive past the mill to go and visit her dad, who lives a bit closer to where we grew up. It is a sprawling complex with a cheerfully morbid sign out front that tells you precisely how long it has been since there was an industrial accident at the facility. In all the times we've visited, we've never seen it reference more than 21 days. Think about that the next time you're squeezing your Charmin.
On the last day of our visit, I excused myself from the family to run an errand. Before we'd left home, I'd done a bit of web-surfing to see if there were any interesting yarn shops nearby. As it turns out, there was one about 30 miles away that looked fairly interesting.
I set out for the store with the iPod plugged into the disappointing stereo of the rented minivan, looking forward to an hour or two away from my wonderful, but somewhat loud, sons. I turned out onto the dirt road leading away from the house and dialed up the playlist we'd recently created for a party at our house: pizza and homebrew in celebration of the anniversary of the coronation of Charles the Fat as King of Italy.
Have you forgot that once we were brought here we were robbed of our names? Robbed of our language? We lost our religion, our culture, our God. And many of us, by the way we act, even lost our minds.
The road stretches in front of me. On either side, single-wide trailers and stick-built homes on cinderblocks. In the distance I can see vultures circling. I hope they're not looking for me.
Yo ye Pharaohs, let us walk through this barren desert, in search of truth, and some pointy boots, and maybe a few snack crackers.
I stop at the flashing red light where the two-lane meets the county road. Looking to my right, I see an odd sign at the intersection. My pulse increases slightly and my palms start to sweat. Am I the only one here without a gun? Do I need to be packing heat to go to the yarn shop?
Though I might be straight as an arrow, he's busy shaking hands with my monkey.
The county road is flat. Seriously flat. Flatter than the water I cross during my work commute. Almost as flat as the affect of the waitress at lunch yesterday. The one who looked like she desperately wanted to be Sookie Stackhouse. Who called us "you'uns" and deftly executed the triple-negative: "y'all don't want no refills neither?"
Left alone with big, fat Fannie. She was such a naughty nanny. Big, big woman, you made a bad boy out of me.
The rental is foreign. I realize this with a start as I sit at a stop light. I'm surrounded by cars but mine is the only one not sporting a domestic nameplate. Possibly also the only one without a bumper sticker espousing either family values or a conservative political candidate.
I don't want no lonely lustful woman's irate husband after me.
I stop at a familiar green logo. As I walk through the door, I can smell the coffee. It smells as it does in Seattle. The decor is the same, only the pastries have been changed. I place my order. I place it again. Failure to communicate. I'm speaking in Seattle. He's listening in Green Cove Springs. I slow down and order a third time. He chuckles and asks me where I'm from. What do I tell him? Am I from here? I was originally, but now I'm not so sure. Heraclitus was right.
And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire bikini supermodel astrophysicist?
The coffee is delicious. My mood is lifting.
You shouldn't come around here, singing up at people like that.
I arrive at the yarn shop. It is a nice place. The knitting selection isn't huge, but it is tidy and they have some interesting things. They are friendly. Quizzical but friendly.
Another man comes in the shop. An older guy. Does he knit? No - he's just following his wife. The shopkeeper offers him a comfortable chair and a copy of either wine spectator or field and stream.
I pick out a few items - including some very cool sock yarn that I've not seen before. One skein is an astonishing shade of green. I look forward to wearing those socks to the office in an act of sartorial disobedience.
After a brief discussion with the clerk about the merits of knitting socks with circulars or double-points, I get back in the rental and start heading back to the river.
Getting my dinner from a garbage can.
Back on the main road, it seems like everywhere I look I find a warning about trespassing. Is this really a significant problem? Are there people lining up to trespass on parcels of sand and scrub pine? Do people hop over fences to purloin mangy-looking dogs? I'm confused.
You keep trying. Ended up in the middle. Had an enigma - ended up with a riddle.
I pull off the main road and make my way back in through the oaks and spanish moss. With the wind coming from the north, I lower the windows and enjoy the breeze. I can't smell the mill.
First one says she got my child, but it don't look like me.
I pull into the drive. Refreshed by my errand, but wondering about my place. Am I still Southern? Was I ever? If I'd stayed here, instead of moving west, would I have a concealed weapons permit or a bumpersticker? Would I work in the paper mill? Would I still enjoy sashimi? Would I still knit?
And then I step back, take it all in, and realize that my place is crystal clear. I am here. Now. These oaks aren't going to climb themselves.
~TSMK
Bob Dylan made sure we knew that you don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows.
Both were in my mind this week, as the whole TSMK clan schlepped across the US to spend a few days in the land of my youth. Not quite a land of milk and honey - more one of sweet tea and pecan logs.
Most of my family is no longer there. I have extended relations in the area, but most I probably couldn't pick out of a crowd. The older ones I was close to have all passed away. The younger ones have moved away. But Mrs. TSMK's folks still live in the area. And so we make something of a regular pilgrimage to see her mom and dad.
Her mom lives on the St. John's river. You can't quite see the paper mill from her house, but Bob was right; weathermen need not apply.
We drive past the mill to go and visit her dad, who lives a bit closer to where we grew up. It is a sprawling complex with a cheerfully morbid sign out front that tells you precisely how long it has been since there was an industrial accident at the facility. In all the times we've visited, we've never seen it reference more than 21 days. Think about that the next time you're squeezing your Charmin.
On the last day of our visit, I excused myself from the family to run an errand. Before we'd left home, I'd done a bit of web-surfing to see if there were any interesting yarn shops nearby. As it turns out, there was one about 30 miles away that looked fairly interesting.
I set out for the store with the iPod plugged into the disappointing stereo of the rented minivan, looking forward to an hour or two away from my wonderful, but somewhat loud, sons. I turned out onto the dirt road leading away from the house and dialed up the playlist we'd recently created for a party at our house: pizza and homebrew in celebration of the anniversary of the coronation of Charles the Fat as King of Italy.
Have you forgot that once we were brought here we were robbed of our names? Robbed of our language? We lost our religion, our culture, our God. And many of us, by the way we act, even lost our minds.
The road stretches in front of me. On either side, single-wide trailers and stick-built homes on cinderblocks. In the distance I can see vultures circling. I hope they're not looking for me.
Yo ye Pharaohs, let us walk through this barren desert, in search of truth, and some pointy boots, and maybe a few snack crackers.Though I might be straight as an arrow, he's busy shaking hands with my monkey.
The county road is flat. Seriously flat. Flatter than the water I cross during my work commute. Almost as flat as the affect of the waitress at lunch yesterday. The one who looked like she desperately wanted to be Sookie Stackhouse. Who called us "you'uns" and deftly executed the triple-negative: "y'all don't want no refills neither?"
Left alone with big, fat Fannie. She was such a naughty nanny. Big, big woman, you made a bad boy out of me.
The rental is foreign. I realize this with a start as I sit at a stop light. I'm surrounded by cars but mine is the only one not sporting a domestic nameplate. Possibly also the only one without a bumper sticker espousing either family values or a conservative political candidate.
I don't want no lonely lustful woman's irate husband after me.
I stop at a familiar green logo. As I walk through the door, I can smell the coffee. It smells as it does in Seattle. The decor is the same, only the pastries have been changed. I place my order. I place it again. Failure to communicate. I'm speaking in Seattle. He's listening in Green Cove Springs. I slow down and order a third time. He chuckles and asks me where I'm from. What do I tell him? Am I from here? I was originally, but now I'm not so sure. Heraclitus was right.
And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire bikini supermodel astrophysicist?
The coffee is delicious. My mood is lifting.
You shouldn't come around here, singing up at people like that.
I arrive at the yarn shop. It is a nice place. The knitting selection isn't huge, but it is tidy and they have some interesting things. They are friendly. Quizzical but friendly.
Another man comes in the shop. An older guy. Does he knit? No - he's just following his wife. The shopkeeper offers him a comfortable chair and a copy of either wine spectator or field and stream. I pick out a few items - including some very cool sock yarn that I've not seen before. One skein is an astonishing shade of green. I look forward to wearing those socks to the office in an act of sartorial disobedience.
After a brief discussion with the clerk about the merits of knitting socks with circulars or double-points, I get back in the rental and start heading back to the river.
Getting my dinner from a garbage can.
Back on the main road, it seems like everywhere I look I find a warning about trespassing. Is this really a significant problem? Are there people lining up to trespass on parcels of sand and scrub pine? Do people hop over fences to purloin mangy-looking dogs? I'm confused.
You keep trying. Ended up in the middle. Had an enigma - ended up with a riddle.
I pull off the main road and make my way back in through the oaks and spanish moss. With the wind coming from the north, I lower the windows and enjoy the breeze. I can't smell the mill.
First one says she got my child, but it don't look like me.
I pull into the drive. Refreshed by my errand, but wondering about my place. Am I still Southern? Was I ever? If I'd stayed here, instead of moving west, would I have a concealed weapons permit or a bumpersticker? Would I work in the paper mill? Would I still enjoy sashimi? Would I still knit?
And then I step back, take it all in, and realize that my place is crystal clear. I am here. Now. These oaks aren't going to climb themselves.
~TSMK
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Stemming the Tide of Wussification
I was born into a world of leisure suits, men with perms, and Alan Alda. Clearly, the wussification of man had already begun.
Had I been born one hundred years earlier, things might have been different. The rules for collegiate football were adopted that year, and Susan B. Anthony was fined for trying to vote. Obviously, the wussification had not yet taken hold.
But the sad fact, is that even if wussitude were not the norm for American men today, there would be little opportunity for the kind of sweat-reeking machismo of years past.
Take my own situation, example. For the rest of my foreseeable life, it is highly improbable that I will have the opportunity to participate in any of the following historically masculine activities:
But I say no more. I refuse to bow. I will not be diluted. I will wear my stubble with pride. And yes, I will do the crossword in pen. For in the absence of marital permission to run with the bulls in Pamplona, doing the crossword in pen is nearly the most foolhardy display of testosterone-addled insanity I can muster.
And not just any pen. But a bold, bloody red pen at that.
To paraphrase Kennedy, who may have been our last undomesticated President:
And because I choose to knit lace without using lifelines, I choose also to unknit lace. I choose to unknit several rows of incredibly complicated lace. Lace made from Filatura di Crosa Centolavaggi in a crimson red that would make your eyes ache even if you wore your reading glasses. Which of course I refuse to do because I am a man. And men don't wear readers.
But - Men do wear comfy vests. Like this one, which I recently finished. Manly. No?
~TSMK
Had I been born one hundred years earlier, things might have been different. The rules for collegiate football were adopted that year, and Susan B. Anthony was fined for trying to vote. Obviously, the wussification had not yet taken hold.
But the sad fact, is that even if wussitude were not the norm for American men today, there would be little opportunity for the kind of sweat-reeking machismo of years past.
Take my own situation, example. For the rest of my foreseeable life, it is highly improbable that I will have the opportunity to participate in any of the following historically masculine activities:
- Killing a bear when I am only three
- Drinking myself to an early grave
- Discovering a lost civilization
- Losing an ear in a bar fight
- Starting a global conflict
And not the Monday crossword, mind you, but the Friday and the Sunday puzzles as well.
And not just any pen. But a bold, bloody red pen at that.
To paraphrase Kennedy, who may have been our last undomesticated President:
I choose to do the crossword in pen. I choose to do the crossword in pen in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of my energies and skills, because that challenge is one that I am willing to accept, one I am unwilling to postpone, and one which I intend to win, and the others, too.
Heady stuff, this. And of course, this is not my only salute to the greatness of the unwussified man. For I choose to do one other thing, harder even than the Sunday puzzle.
I choose to knit lace without using lifelines.
But - Men do wear comfy vests. Like this one, which I recently finished. Manly. No?
~TSMK
Labels:
alan alda,
Estonian Lace,
filatura di crosa,
kennedy,
lifelines,
wussification
Monday, January 31, 2011
A nice way to start the week
I arrived at the office this morning and found this on my windowsill.
It wasn't yet open on Friday. This makes for a nice start to the week.
~TSMK
It wasn't yet open on Friday. This makes for a nice start to the week.
~TSMK
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Long Dark Night of the Sole
I sleep soundly. In fact, I’ve slept through a great number of loud and calamitous events. Archimedes is credited with saying something along the lines of “give me a long enough lever and a firm place upon which to stand, and I can move the earth.” Myself, I’m more of a “give me a decent pillow, a science channel marathon about the pyramids or UFOs and a flat place to stretch out and I can lose an afternoon” kind of guy.
All of which makes what I’m about to tell you just that much more troubling. For recently, my sleep was interrupted. Not just once but multiple times. In one evening. Let me explain.
Last week, I had the good fortune of heading south. Like a sloth-afflicted sparrow, I boarded an Alaska Airlines flight – bound for San Diego. As is my habit, I was heading for a three day conference on securities law, held every January at the Hotel Del Coronado, on Coronado Island.
The hotel is a hauntingly beautiful old structure, perched right on the edge of the Pacific. And though my conference keeps me in a conference room all day for each of the three days, there is always some time to spend poking around on the beach before or after the sessions. I like the beach. You can find sand dollars if you’re lucky. And if you’re really lucky you won’t step in the ick that seems to wash ashore from Tijuana just across the border.
Well, this year, I had no time for the beach. When not in class, I was on a mission. Mrs. TSMK had sent me with specific instructions. And, unlike her mission of choice the last time she accompanied me on this trip, my mission did not involve long hours spent observing the nearby Navy seals playing shirts versus skins football on the beach.
No, this mission was more important. I was going ghost hunting. For in my carry-on bag I had brought all the tools of the trade. A K-II device to measure electromagnetic fields. A fancy thermometer to help me identify hot or cold spots. And, of course, a digital voice recorder to help me capture any electronic voice phenomena.
[Note: if you decide to fly out of Seattle-Tacoma International Airport carrying the foregoing items in your carry-on bag, be prepared to have an interesting conversation with the TSA agents at the security checkpoint.]
When I checked in to the Hotel, I asked to be placed in one of the haunted parts of the hotel. The desk clerk narrowed her eyes slightly, and after a few keystrokes, told me I would be staying in the western side of the oldest part of the Hotel, on the third floor.
I trudged up to my room. I wanted to hunt for ghosts immediately. Unfortunately, I’d been at work from early morning to midday, and had then been traveling for several hours. Unless my paranormal prey was holding a hoagie, I wasn’t going to be satisfied. I needed food.
I made my way out of the Hotel, onto the main street. After a brief walk, I found my objective: pizza. I placed my order – a small pizza with bacon, onion and mushrooms – and telephoned home to learn the news of the day. Then, while waiting for my pizza, I got out my equipment and did a bit of looking around.
I returned to the hotel, pizza box in hand. After eating a slice or two too many, and working on a sock for Mrs. TSMK, I collapsed in a heap on the bed.
The sock is an interesting pattern – and by interesting I mean maddening. It is a toe-up design, and every fourth row has a twisted rib, requiring you to cable (forward or back – depending on the row) every other stitch. I’m doing it on two size 1 circular needles. On every fourth row, I've got a cable needle in the mix as well. This way lies madness.
I awoke at just after 1:00 a.m. The television was off but the room was illuminated. Confused, I sat up to have a look around. The bathroom light was on. I rolled out of bed, convinced I’d forgotten to turn it off. I stumbled to the bathroom and pressed the button to turn it off. With the room now properly dark, I got back under the covers.
I awoke again at just after 1:45. The light was back on. Again I trudged to the bathroom to turn off the light. Again, I climbed back under the covers.
I awoke again just before 3:00. The light was back on. I left it on, and tried to sleep.
At 6:30, my alarm went off. The light was off in the bathroom. I stood near the bathroom door. I jumped up and down on the creaky floors, trying to get the door to sway. I looked for air vents in or near the bathroom that might cause the door to move or the shower curtain to flutter. I could find nothing. Try as I might, I could not debunk my experience. I could not account for the behavior of the light.
Excited about my encounter with the inexplicable, I called Mrs. TSMK. Halfway through the conversation I realized that she would never again accompany me to this conference – at least not if we stayed in the same Hotel.
I dressed and rushed downstairs for the conference. The day flew by, and soon I was back in my room. I had made a plan. This night, I would set my digital voice recorder to record any noises that might happen during the night. I was so excited I could barely sleep. But sleep eventually came after innumerable rows of that blasted sock – which was finally nearing completion.
The night passed without incident. I slept soundly, disturbed only briefly by the sound of what I can must assume were two consenting adults in the next room. I woke in the morning, turned off the voice recorder, dressed, packed my belongings, checked out of my room, and attended the last day's sessions at the conference.
The second was confusing and, it would seem, irrelevant.
The third, well, it would prove prophetic.
I finished binding off the cuff of the sock, and fearfully approached Mrs. TSMK. But the voices from beyond were right. The gusset is too narrow. The sock doesn't fit.
Damned spooky if you ask me.
~TSMK
All of which makes what I’m about to tell you just that much more troubling. For recently, my sleep was interrupted. Not just once but multiple times. In one evening. Let me explain.
Last week, I had the good fortune of heading south. Like a sloth-afflicted sparrow, I boarded an Alaska Airlines flight – bound for San Diego. As is my habit, I was heading for a three day conference on securities law, held every January at the Hotel Del Coronado, on Coronado Island.
The hotel is a hauntingly beautiful old structure, perched right on the edge of the Pacific. And though my conference keeps me in a conference room all day for each of the three days, there is always some time to spend poking around on the beach before or after the sessions. I like the beach. You can find sand dollars if you’re lucky. And if you’re really lucky you won’t step in the ick that seems to wash ashore from Tijuana just across the border.
Well, this year, I had no time for the beach. When not in class, I was on a mission. Mrs. TSMK had sent me with specific instructions. And, unlike her mission of choice the last time she accompanied me on this trip, my mission did not involve long hours spent observing the nearby Navy seals playing shirts versus skins football on the beach.
No, this mission was more important. I was going ghost hunting. For in my carry-on bag I had brought all the tools of the trade. A K-II device to measure electromagnetic fields. A fancy thermometer to help me identify hot or cold spots. And, of course, a digital voice recorder to help me capture any electronic voice phenomena.
[Note: if you decide to fly out of Seattle-Tacoma International Airport carrying the foregoing items in your carry-on bag, be prepared to have an interesting conversation with the TSA agents at the security checkpoint.]
When I checked in to the Hotel, I asked to be placed in one of the haunted parts of the hotel. The desk clerk narrowed her eyes slightly, and after a few keystrokes, told me I would be staying in the western side of the oldest part of the Hotel, on the third floor.
I trudged up to my room. I wanted to hunt for ghosts immediately. Unfortunately, I’d been at work from early morning to midday, and had then been traveling for several hours. Unless my paranormal prey was holding a hoagie, I wasn’t going to be satisfied. I needed food.
![]() |
| [Note: As far as I could discern, the pizza place was not haunted.] |
I returned to the hotel, pizza box in hand. After eating a slice or two too many, and working on a sock for Mrs. TSMK, I collapsed in a heap on the bed.
The sock is an interesting pattern – and by interesting I mean maddening. It is a toe-up design, and every fourth row has a twisted rib, requiring you to cable (forward or back – depending on the row) every other stitch. I’m doing it on two size 1 circular needles. On every fourth row, I've got a cable needle in the mix as well. This way lies madness.
I woke the next morning, mouth tasting of garlic from the night before. Showered, dressed and properly caffeinated, I dutifully attended the conference.
After finishing my classes for the day, and a fair amount of work I’d brought along from the office, I set about investigating my room. I found no unusually high electromagnetic fields. I searched in vain for inexplicable temperature anomalies. I heard no unusual noises.
Slightly discouraged, I dressed for bed. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. The light clicked on as I entered – part of the Hotel’s “green” initiative – like not washing the towels every day unless requested. I washed my face, left the bathroom, and settled down to find something on the television. Something that would keep my mind off the fact that I was trying to knit tiny cables with fat fingers. After working for about an hour, I set the sleep timer on the television, turned out the light, and proceeded to drift off while listening to the history channel interspersed with ads for what I understand is a revolution in home fitness – the Shake Weight.
I awoke at just after 1:00 a.m. The television was off but the room was illuminated. Confused, I sat up to have a look around. The bathroom light was on. I rolled out of bed, convinced I’d forgotten to turn it off. I stumbled to the bathroom and pressed the button to turn it off. With the room now properly dark, I got back under the covers.
I awoke again at just after 1:45. The light was back on. Again I trudged to the bathroom to turn off the light. Again, I climbed back under the covers.
I awoke again just before 3:00. The light was back on. I left it on, and tried to sleep.
At 6:30, my alarm went off. The light was off in the bathroom. I stood near the bathroom door. I jumped up and down on the creaky floors, trying to get the door to sway. I looked for air vents in or near the bathroom that might cause the door to move or the shower curtain to flutter. I could find nothing. Try as I might, I could not debunk my experience. I could not account for the behavior of the light.
Excited about my encounter with the inexplicable, I called Mrs. TSMK. Halfway through the conversation I realized that she would never again accompany me to this conference – at least not if we stayed in the same Hotel.
I dressed and rushed downstairs for the conference. The day flew by, and soon I was back in my room. I had made a plan. This night, I would set my digital voice recorder to record any noises that might happen during the night. I was so excited I could barely sleep. But sleep eventually came after innumerable rows of that blasted sock – which was finally nearing completion.
The night passed without incident. I slept soundly, disturbed only briefly by the sound of what I can must assume were two consenting adults in the next room. I woke in the morning, turned off the voice recorder, dressed, packed my belongings, checked out of my room, and attended the last day's sessions at the conference.
When I arrived back home, I check over the voice recorder. I was hopeful that the recorder would have picked up something, anything, that might explain the strange events of the prior night. But what I found made my blood run cold.
After reviewing the audio footage, and filtering out some of the background noise, I found I had captured three distinct messages. Messages, it would seem, from beyond. The first is simply mean spirited.
The second was confusing and, it would seem, irrelevant.
The third, well, it would prove prophetic.
I finished binding off the cuff of the sock, and fearfully approached Mrs. TSMK. But the voices from beyond were right. The gusset is too narrow. The sock doesn't fit.
Damned spooky if you ask me.
~TSMK
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Importance of Being (an) Earnest
Some decades ago - almost three decades to be exact - I got an unusual gift. I didn't really want the gift, and when I was asked whether I'd like it I didn't respond well. I'm told that I objected to the gift. I'm told, in fact, that I said I'd rather have a puppy.
The gift was a sibling. And though I didn't know it at the time of the question, it turned out to be a sister.
As I'd been an only child up to this point, I really didn't have much experience with babies. She was loud. She was smelly. She turned herself purple when she cried - which she did rather a lot.
Over time, she got bigger and louder and, for a time, smellier as well.
We lived together for eleven years - give or take - and then my folks moved across the country. I was in college when they moved, and seeing as I was very enamored of a young redhead who lived across town, I didn't feel particularly inclined to move with them. So I stayed. And they went. And that, as they say, was that.
Seeing Han Solo immersed in carbonite makes my skin crawl. Now in large part, this is because the idea of being unpleasantly thrust into some form of suspended animation is just, well, creepy.
And yet, for my perception of my sister, carbonite and California are synonymous. It is as if she stopped aging the moment she got in the car and rode away with my parents. She stayed locked in carbonite at age eleven.
I don't know how many years passed between the day Solo was frozen and the day a Leia thawed him out. But I do know that in the tender scene in Jabba's palace - Solo emerges from the carbonite temporarily blind but looking like he hasn't aged a day. I like that. It is comforting somehow.
But that hasn't been my experience with my sister. No, she has stubbornly refused to stay frozen in time. In fact, she grew up. She got considerably less smelly. Although, truth be told, she never did get much quieter.
Now I understand that I may be old fashioned. But I just don't think that an eleven year old should get married and have children. And in my mind, she is still eleven. Never mind the fact that it has been many years since she was eleven - that's irrelevant. Seeing her with her husband and beautiful family is for me like trying to watch a television marathon of Bewitched. You can't just switch Dick York for Dick Sargent without explanation. It doesn't work. Are we really not supposed to notice? Because we do. A lot. They're two different people.
But that's my sister. One minute she's York and the next she's Sargent. Both are cool, I guess.
~TSMK
The gift was a sibling. And though I didn't know it at the time of the question, it turned out to be a sister.
As I'd been an only child up to this point, I really didn't have much experience with babies. She was loud. She was smelly. She turned herself purple when she cried - which she did rather a lot.
Over time, she got bigger and louder and, for a time, smellier as well.
We lived together for eleven years - give or take - and then my folks moved across the country. I was in college when they moved, and seeing as I was very enamored of a young redhead who lived across town, I didn't feel particularly inclined to move with them. So I stayed. And they went. And that, as they say, was that.
All of this brings me to a very important fact. Although The Empire Strikes Back is viewed by many critics as the best of the Star Wars films, it has never been my favorite.
And yet, for my perception of my sister, carbonite and California are synonymous. It is as if she stopped aging the moment she got in the car and rode away with my parents. She stayed locked in carbonite at age eleven.
I don't know how many years passed between the day Solo was frozen and the day a Leia thawed him out. But I do know that in the tender scene in Jabba's palace - Solo emerges from the carbonite temporarily blind but looking like he hasn't aged a day. I like that. It is comforting somehow.
But that hasn't been my experience with my sister. No, she has stubbornly refused to stay frozen in time. In fact, she grew up. She got considerably less smelly. Although, truth be told, she never did get much quieter.
In fact, in a sense she got much louder. Because now, where there was once just one person - my sister - there are now three people. My sister, a wife, and a mother. Weird. She went and got married. And then she had the audacity to have children. Several, in fact. Including a set of twins and, most recently, a cute guy in a goofy hat.
Now I understand that I may be old fashioned. But I just don't think that an eleven year old should get married and have children. And in my mind, she is still eleven. Never mind the fact that it has been many years since she was eleven - that's irrelevant. Seeing her with her husband and beautiful family is for me like trying to watch a television marathon of Bewitched. You can't just switch Dick York for Dick Sargent without explanation. It doesn't work. Are we really not supposed to notice? Because we do. A lot. They're two different people.
![]() |
| York |
![]() |
| Sargent |
But that's my sister. One minute she's York and the next she's Sargent. Both are cool, I guess.
And that's why I made her a scarf this year for Christmas. It is a nifty drop-stitch pattern that I found online, and I knit it up in some seriously soft alpaca.
I don't know what an eleven-year-old will do with such a scarf. Hopefully she won't lose it on the playground at school.
~TSMK
Labels:
carbonite,
Christmas,
dick sargent,
dick york,
han solo,
migration lace scarf
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thoughts on Love
I'm a bit of a reader. Not voracious exactly, but there are usually a few things on the nightstand by the bed.
Sometimes I read well-regarded literature. Sometimes, I even read it successfully. But other times not so much. I've been stuck on the same page of Ulysses now for the better part of a decade. Every time I pick it back up I can't remember where I left off - maybe I just don't drink enough to understand Joyce.
Other times, my choice of literature leans more toward the unusual or the technical. At the moment, The Art of the Catapult is sharing space on the nightstand with a book on how to conduct paranormal investigations and a hand-held device for measuring electromagnetic fields. I had an awesome Christmas and my family knows my tastes well.
Within the last year, I've read quite a number of books that could be characterized as either philosophical in nature or relating in some way to comparative religious studies - or some measure of both. I enjoy these books, as they often make me think about the world, and our place in it, in ways I hadn't before.
One relatively thick volume that I've been reading lately is an Osho commentary on The Sutra of 42 Chapters - a Buddhist manuscript dating to the first century. Although I studied philosophy in college, my studies were limited solely to works of Western authors. The thought reflected in this work is, as they say, an entirely new breed of cat. Or, well, they would say that if the particular cat wasn't actually many millennia in the making.
One aspect of the work that I find especially intriguing is the concept of love. Osho suggests that just as we can dance without being observed, and we can sing without someone listening, we can love without an object of that exercise. In Osho's view, love is internal. And only by cultivating love within ourselves can we share love with others. If we try to share love without first developing it within ourselves, we share instead our misery and our suffering.
Powerful thoughts. I suspect the Echidna would approve.
Love is a funny thing. It can lead you to do things that you might not otherwise do. Like, for example, knitting a highly cabled lap blanket.
~TSMK
Sometimes I read well-regarded literature. Sometimes, I even read it successfully. But other times not so much. I've been stuck on the same page of Ulysses now for the better part of a decade. Every time I pick it back up I can't remember where I left off - maybe I just don't drink enough to understand Joyce.Other times, my choice of literature leans more toward the unusual or the technical. At the moment, The Art of the Catapult is sharing space on the nightstand with a book on how to conduct paranormal investigations and a hand-held device for measuring electromagnetic fields. I had an awesome Christmas and my family knows my tastes well.
Within the last year, I've read quite a number of books that could be characterized as either philosophical in nature or relating in some way to comparative religious studies - or some measure of both. I enjoy these books, as they often make me think about the world, and our place in it, in ways I hadn't before.
One relatively thick volume that I've been reading lately is an Osho commentary on The Sutra of 42 Chapters - a Buddhist manuscript dating to the first century. Although I studied philosophy in college, my studies were limited solely to works of Western authors. The thought reflected in this work is, as they say, an entirely new breed of cat. Or, well, they would say that if the particular cat wasn't actually many millennia in the making.
One aspect of the work that I find especially intriguing is the concept of love. Osho suggests that just as we can dance without being observed, and we can sing without someone listening, we can love without an object of that exercise. In Osho's view, love is internal. And only by cultivating love within ourselves can we share love with others. If we try to share love without first developing it within ourselves, we share instead our misery and our suffering.
Powerful thoughts. I suspect the Echidna would approve.
Love is a funny thing. It can lead you to do things that you might not otherwise do. Like, for example, knitting a highly cabled lap blanket. This one took me the better part of a month. The pattern is Serenity by Laura Wilson-Martos. The yarn is Lion Brand Wool-Ease - recycled from a friend's abandoned project.
The recipient is a lady I've known my entire life. She is goofy, with a quirky sense of humor, a talent for beating me soundly in Scrabble, and a penchant for calling me every year on May 29 and singing when I pick up the phone. I love her dearly. She is my mom.
~TSMK
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Of Millinery and Men
I like hats. In fact, I like them rather a lot and have quite a few.
I'm not exactly proud of it, but if I'm honest I have too many hats. I haven't ever counted the total, but can say with certainty that I have eight in my office alone. Well, eight on the wall. Three or four more are on bookshelves, with a handful on the coat rack and maybe one or two just lying around. Then there are the hats at the house, and the hats that live in the car.
Did I mention I like hats?
Well, this year I decided to share my love of millinery with a few relations and make some hats as Christmas presents. In each case, I started with the same basic template, a wonderful felted beret pattern that was developed by my favorite LYS. But, with each hat I made a few specific changes to reflect the needs or characteristics of the recipient.
For my one and only brother, I wanted to stay relatively simple - so far as I knew this would be his only beret. And seeing as how he lives in a part of the country that isn't exactly cosmopolitan, I didn't want people seeing him to think he was getting too uppity.
Although there are three years between my youngest son and my middle son, their heads are almost the same size. Yes, that means what you think it does. My youngest guy has a melon perched atop his neck. He gets that from his dad. So I didn't need to scale down the pattern any more for the little guy. But he has almost no hair - so I was thinking that the warmer the better. Rather than using the Spindrift - I went to the Shetland DK for this one. I don't know if it is his favorite color, but do know that it works well with his complexion and the blue in his eyes.
I'm not exactly proud of it, but if I'm honest I have too many hats. I haven't ever counted the total, but can say with certainty that I have eight in my office alone. Well, eight on the wall. Three or four more are on bookshelves, with a handful on the coat rack and maybe one or two just lying around. Then there are the hats at the house, and the hats that live in the car.
Did I mention I like hats?
Well, this year I decided to share my love of millinery with a few relations and make some hats as Christmas presents. In each case, I started with the same basic template, a wonderful felted beret pattern that was developed by my favorite LYS. But, with each hat I made a few specific changes to reflect the needs or characteristics of the recipient.
For my one and only brother, I wanted to stay relatively simple - so far as I knew this would be his only beret. And seeing as how he lives in a part of the country that isn't exactly cosmopolitan, I didn't want people seeing him to think he was getting too uppity. So I went for basic black in Jamieson Shetland Spindrift - but with a single thin stripe of white to set off the band.
The photo isn't great, but I'm hoping he will send me a shot of the finished item being worn. And if he does I'll post it here.
For my middle son, I scaled down the pattern. He, like his mother - Mrs. TSMK - has a head roughly the size of a peanut. But in addition to scaling it down, I knew I wanted to do something that would just be fun for the sake of fun. So for him, the beret received a very small ornament, a very small amount of i-cord at the top. When felted, it makes a very slight nub. His is in Spindrift as well, but in his (and my) favorite color: blue.
Of course, all this hat making had me feeling a bit left out. And seeing as how I had recently given away one of my favorite hats, I felt like I could use another. True to form, I used the same pattern for my hat. And I went back to the Spindrift. But I've never been particularly worried about people thinking I'm too uppity and so mine is a bit fancier than the others.
You just can't top a great hat.
~TSMK
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
All Good Things
In my line of work I am occasionally heard to opine that "past performance may not be indicative of future results." But in one particular context, past performance will almost certainly prove accurate:
The TSMK-family Christmas tree will come down this week.
Once the presents are unwrapped, the tree serves only as a mechanism to help perfect your needle-sweeping technique. And from that point on it is dead tree walking.
I'm sad to see Christmas pass, but at the same time pleased as it means that my Christmas knitting is officially complete. And even though I have one project left on the needles, I'm feeling good about my productivity. The total isn't too bad. For this year, I made:
All told, 11.25 gifts knitted in time for Christmas.
In the days ahead, I'll be posting some photos and brief descriptions of most of the items. In the meantime - here is a pic of the pile of a few of them before we mailed them out.
~TSMK
The TSMK-family Christmas tree will come down this week.
Once the presents are unwrapped, the tree serves only as a mechanism to help perfect your needle-sweeping technique. And from that point on it is dead tree walking.
I'm sad to see Christmas pass, but at the same time pleased as it means that my Christmas knitting is officially complete. And even though I have one project left on the needles, I'm feeling good about my productivity. The total isn't too bad. For this year, I made:
- Three hats;
- One small blanket;
- Five scarves;
- One sweater; and
- One (and one quarter*) pairs of socks.
All told, 11.25 gifts knitted in time for Christmas.
In the days ahead, I'll be posting some photos and brief descriptions of most of the items. In the meantime - here is a pic of the pile of a few of them before we mailed them out.
~TSMK
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